Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MARCH

"I married a girl who is a twin."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"Her brother has a beard."

DAD: There's something wrong with my toothbrush.
SON: That's funny. It was all right when I used it to oil my bike chain.

DAD: Sonny, why did you let the air out of the tires on your bike?
SONNNY: So I could reach the pedals.

MOTHER: Drink your milk, dear, that makes strong teeth.
COOKIE: Why don't you give some to Grandpa?

TAXI DRIVER: I can't stop this car! I've lost control!
PASSENGER: For heaven sake, turn off the meter!

A time for insults:
"I throw myself into everything I do."
"Why don't you go out and find a deep hole?"
When I look at it, I wonder what Mother Nature had in mind.

"If I had a face like yours, I put it on a wall and throw a brick at it."
"If I had a face like yours, I did put it on a brick and throw a wall at it."

You're so stupid, you think you have stand on your head to turn things over in your mind.

Why don't you make like a ball and roll a way?

Why don't you take a deep breath – and blow?

I can't figure out what makes you tick, but I think it's a time bomb.

"I always aim to tell the truth."
"Bad shot, are you?

You could go out of your mind and no one would know the difference.

"You must be a terrific bowler."
"How did you know?"
"I could tell by your pinhead."

Tongue Twisters
The perky parrot playfully pecked the pirate’s pate.

A panda playing with paper placed her paw on a piece of parchment and promptly produced a paw print.

Peter Potter splattered a plate of peas on Patty Platt’s pink plaid pants.

Phyllis Bickle spilled Bill Spector’s sack of speckled pickles.

Patty probably purchased plenty pretty party paper.

How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?

Penny penned a pretty poem.

Why is a cat on the beach like Christmas?
It has sandy claws. (Santa Claus).

What is heavier in the summer than in the winter?
Traffic to the beach.

What did Cinderella wear when she went to the beach?
Glass flippers.

Where do race cars go swimming?
In the car pool.

Where do phantoms go swimming?
 At the sea ghost.

Where do mummies go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.

What game do you play with fish?
Carps and robbers.

How do kangaroos add up their purchases?
With pocket calculators.

What do you call a kangaroo clerk with bad manners?

Where would you buy thirty-six inches?
At a yard sale.

What does a house buy at the mall?

Where should you pay your car repair bill?
At a crash register.

What do pigs buy for relaxing in the backyard?

What’s an easy way to double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

Who’s there?
Diesel who.
Diesel be over before you know it.

Who’s there?
Doris who?
“Doris nothing like a dame.”

Who’s there?
Dots who?
Dots for me to know and you to find out.

Who’s there?
Doug who?
Doug a hole on your doorstep.

Who’s there?
Doughnut who?
“Doughnut make my brown eyes blue.”

BOY: Mom, Uncle Charlie took me to the zoo this afternoon.
MOTHER: That's nice. Did you have a good time?
BOY: Yes, and one of the animals came in first and paid twenty dollars.

"My brother is in the hospital with spotted fever."
"Is it serious?"
"No, fortunately they spotted it in time."

"Mom, you know that vase that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Well, this generation dropped it."

Why is it hard to be a turtle?
You can't run away from home.

What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
"Many happy returns."

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  FEBRUARY
Said a monk, as he swung by his tail,
To the little monks, female and male:
“From your offspring, my dears,
In not so many years,
May evolve a professor in Yale!”

What would you get if you crossed…
. . . an old car with a gorilla?
A grease monkey.

. . . King Kong with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

. . . King Kong and a parrot?
A lot of big talk.

“Doctor, Doctor, I feel warm and out of breath!”
“You must have the flu.”
“No, I walked over.”

When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?”
When Moses received the two tablets.

Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Nineteen nice knights.

Nine nice night nymphs.

Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs.
Did Nippy Noodle nip his neighbor’s nutmeg?
If Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs…
Where are the neighbor’s nutmegs Nippy Noodle nipped?

Orville ordered ordinary ornaments.

 An oyster met an oyster, and they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters, and they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk, and they were oyster stew.

Where do you put a very smart hot dog?
On the honor roll.

How do you make a hot dog roll?
Tilt your plate.

What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
Be frank.

What is a hot dog’s favorite song?
“Franks for the memory…”

What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
”I’m a wiener!”

What is green and red all over?
A pickle holding its breath.

How to Clean Your Computer
by Dusty Keyboard

How to Fix Spelling Mistakes
by Dee Leete

Set Up Your Own Website
by Dot Comm

How to Get a High-Tech Job
by Bea A. Nerd

The World’s Largest Software Company
by Mike Rosoft

Who’s there?
Mustard who?
Mustard been a beautiful baby.

Who’s there?
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub – I’m dwowning.

Who’s there?
Denise who?
Denise, de sister of de nephew.

Who’s there?
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat.

Who’s there?
Detour who?
Detour is over, you’re on your own.

CUSTOMER: I’d like a pair of stockings for my wife.
CLERK: Sheer?
CUSTOMER: No, she’s home.

What’s a caveman’s favorite place to shop?
Cave Mart.

What do you say when you walk into a store at the same time as a sheep?
“After ewe.”

DOCTOR: Congratulations you’re the father of twins!
MAN: Don’t tell my wife. I want to surprise her.

FATHER: We have twins at our house.
NEIGHBOR: Are they identical?
FATHER: One is and one isn’t.

Where does the Frankenstein monster go when he loses his hand?
Two a secondhand store.

Why are skeletons like blank applications?
Because their forms have not been filled out.

What do you call a skeleton who’s a good friend?
A bony crony.

What do monsters have that no one else has?
Baby monsters.

What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.

What do you call a group of zombie dancers?
A corpse de ballet.

Tongue Twisters
Insects. Six insects. Six sick insects.

Isn’t Isadora adorable?

Iggy is interested in visiting with Izzy, but Izzy isn’t interested in visiting with Iggy. Even so, in this instance, Izzy isn’t even in, so Izzy couldn’t visit with Iggy even if Izzy was interested, which he isn’t.

Are those jesters joking or are those jesters jousting?

Nick knits Nixon’s knickers.

Nellie’s new knitting needles knit neatly.


Hamburgers and what?
What do computer scientists like with their hamburgers?

What do musicians like with their hamburgers?
Piccolos (pickle-o’s)

What do spiders like with their hamburgers?
French flies.

What do cats put on their hamburgers?

Have you ever seen the mountain website?
I must take a peak.

Have you ever seen the paper towel website?
It’s very absorbing.

Have you ever seen the boomerang website?
You’ll go back to it again and again.

Have you ever seen the lions and tigers website?
I’m not wild about it.

Who’s there?
Armageddon who?
Armageddon tired of these knock knock jokes?

Who’s there?
Could she.
Could she who?
Could she, koochy she coo.

Who’s there?
Dallas who?
Dallas in Wonderland.

Who’s there?
Damascus who?
Damascus what you wear on Halloween.

Who’s there?
Dandelion who?
Isn’t it Dandelion around all day doing nothing?

CUSTOMER: Look at the watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.
CLERK: Yes, but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.

Where does a lumberjack go to buy things?
To the chopping center.

Where do spies do their shopping?
At a snooper market.

Where do bugs buy their groceries?
At a flea market.

Why do most cities have the same stores/
It’s a mall world.

“I was in the mall yesterday on an escalator and there was a power failure.”
“I was stuck for hours.”

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  JANUARY
If you were walking along a dark street and met a Frankenstein monster, a ghost, a werewolf, and a mummy, what should you do?
Hope it’s Halloween.

If a werewolf lost his tail, where would he get another?
At a retail store.

What is dangerous, yellow, and hot?
Shark-infested custard.

FIRST UNDERTAKER: Poor Sam! He died from drinking shellac.
SECOND UNDERTAKER: Well, at least he had a fine finish.

When the executioner registered at the hotel, the clerk asked him what kind of room he desired. The executioner explained. "My needs are small. I just want a place to hang my hat and a few friends."

Tongue Twisters
Levi left the leaves lying on the littered lawn.

Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs.
If Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs,
Then where are all the long logs Lon Longman loaded?

Libby locked Larry in the lobby.
“Mom! Libby locked me in the lobby,” Larry lamented.
“Let Larry loose, Libby,” Mom laughed.

The llama loaned the lamb a long ladder.
The lamb loaned the llama a little lamp.

He who laughs last laughs last.

What snacks should you serve computer scientists at a party?
A byte of everything.

What kind of gum do chickens chew?

What’s the difference between a stupid person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat and the other is cheesy to eat.

How many chickens does it take to serve 10 people?
Chickens aren't good at serving. Better get waiters and waitresses.

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied.

How do frogs protect their knees when skateboarding?
They wear lily pads.

How do rubber bands warm-up?
They stretch.

What exercise does your nose do when you have a cold?
It runs.

What game do falcons play on ice?

How do pandas ride bikes safely?
They hold onto the handlebears.

Who’s there?
Madison who?.
Madison will cure my cough.

Who’s there?
Maiden who?
Maiden Japan.

Who’s there?
Maiden who?

Maiden the shade.
Who’s there?
Major who?
“Major days be merry and bright…”

Who’s there?
Mangoes who?
Mangoes crazy.


How can you tell if an elephant is in your cereal box?
Read the label.
How can you tell that an elephant is on your head during a hurricane?
You hear his ears flapping in the wind.
How can you tell that an elephant is living in your house?
By the enormous pajamas in your closet.
How can you tell an elephant from a banana?
Try lifting it. If you can't get it off the ground, it's probably an elephant. Although it might be a heavy banana.
Why did the elephants laugh at Tarzan?
They thought his nose was funny.

Monster Best-sellers 
Calming Werewolves
By Casey Howells 

The Space Invaders
By Athena Martian

Is There a Loch Ness Monster?
By Y. Knott 

The Big Bang Theory
By Adam Balm 

Reptiles Around the World
By Sally Mander

Tongue Twisters
Lisa laughed listlessly.

The less the lame loon leaned on its little lame leg, the less the loon limped. 

How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Loose loops.

3x fast:
Luke likes licorice.

Luminous aluminum.


Who was the first nuclear scientist in history?
Eve – She knew all about atom (Adam).

Why did the scientist keep talking about the atom bomb?
He didn’t want to drop the subject.

What do nuclear scientists argue about?
Whether splitting the atom was a wisecrack.

What is an atomic scientists favorite snack?
Fission chips.

What is a hydrogen bomb?
Something that makes molehills out of mountains.

If Michael Jordan gets athletes foot, what does Santa get?
Mistle toe.

Why did the police go to the baseball stadium?
They heard someone was stealing bases.

What position do camels play on baseball teams?

Why don't grasshoppers go to lacrosse games?
They prefer cricket matches.

Where should you sit at a ballpark if you want your clothes to get really white?
In the bleachers.

Who’s there?
Chelsea who?
Chelsea you in my dreams.

Who’s there?
Chemise who?
Chemise me when I’m gone.

Who’s there?
Chess who?.
Chess one of those things.

Who’s there?
Chester who?
Chester minute and I’ll find out.

Who’s there?
Cinder who?
Cinder top draw with your socks.

What do you get when a waiter trips?
Flying saucers.

Where do vegetables volunteer?
The Peas Corps.

Why are potatoes good detectives?
They always keep their eyes peeled.

What does a porcupine put on its submarine sandwich?
Dill prickles.

“What happened to your finger?”
“I was trying out my new hammer and hit the wrong nail.”

What did the mitten say to the thumb?
“I glove you.”

What part of the body is a real loser?

If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does a scuba diver get?
Under toe.

If the palm of your hand itches, you’re about to get something. If your head itches, you’ve got it.


Tongue Twisters
Dwayne dwells in drafty dwellings.

The duke dropped the dirty double damask dinner napkin.

Down the deep damp dark dank den.

The deer dined on dough, though the doe dined on dates

Deer’s ears hear clear cheers.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  DECEMBER

At a bullfight in sunny Madrid
A tourist went clean off his lid.
He made straight for the bull,
While the crowd yelled "The fool
Will go home on a slab!" – And he did.

There was a young woman named Gail
Who fancied she'd go for a sail.
Well, she boarded the yacht,
But she stayed on her cot,
‘Cept when she hung over the rail.

An odd fellow from Ecuador
Had the same shape behind as before.
They did not know where
They should offer a chair,
So he had to sit down on the floor.

A painter who lived in Great Britain
Interrupted two girls from their knitten’.
He said with a sigh,
"That park bench – well, I
Just painted it, right where you're sittin’."

A fellow who lived on the Rhine
Saw some fish on which he wished to dine.
But how to invite them?
He said, "I will write them!"
He sat down and dropped them a line.

There was a young lady named Lee
Who swam all alone in the sea.
People said, "You'll be drowned,"
But she sniffed and she frowned,
And said, "Pish-tosh and fiddle-de-dee!"

At the zoo I remarked to an emu,
"I cannot pretend I esteem you.
You're a greedy old bird,
And your walk is absurd,
And not even your feathers redeem you."

There was an old lady of Reading
Who never knew where she was heading.
She’d start in the east
On her way to a feast,
And end in the north at a wedding.

Where do supernatural creatures live?
In ghost towns.

How did they ship skeletons in the Old West?
The bony express.

How does a dinosaur get to Carnegie Hall?
By practicing his scales.

What resembles the Blob and has chrome stripes?
The deluxe Blob.

Nit: Did you hear about the monster rip-off?
Wit: No. What did they rip-off?
Nit: Arms, legs, heads…

How far can you walk into a cemetery?
Only halfway. After that, you're walking out.


Who’s there?
Gopher who?
Gopher your gun, Marshall.

Who’s there?
Pasta who?
Pasta la vista, baby.

Who’s there?
Gopher who?
Gopher a long walk on a short pier.

Who’s there?
Gomez who?
Gomez around with someone else I'm busy.

Who’s there?
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about these knock-knock jokes?

What is the best way to get rid of flies?
Get good outfielders.

How can you make a fly ball?
Hit him with a bat.

Why was the piano tuner hired to play on the baseball team?
Because he had perfect pitch.

Why did the umpire penalize the chicken?
For using fowl (foul) language.

What song did the baseball player hum while he waited on third base?
"There's no place like home."

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?
"Please, just put it on my bill."

Why do department stores like cats?
They're pre-furred customers.

Which customers avoid early-bird sales?

What happens to vacuum cleaners at a busy mall?
They get pushed around.

Did you hear about the two racing silkworms?
They ended up in a tie.

Tongue Twisters
Did you eever iver ever in your leaf loaf life
See the deevil divil devil kiss his weef wofe wife?
No, I neever niver never in my leaf loaf life
Saw the deevil divil devil kiss his weef wofe wife.

(3X Fast)
Ere her ear hears her err, her ears err here.

Every errant arrow isn’t Aaron’s errant arrow.

Exercise instructors instruct struggling exercisers to exercise strongly.

What did one knee bone say to the other knee bone?
"Let's get out of this joint."

What are goose bumps for?
To keep your leggies up.

Did you hear they found the gene for shyness?
It was hiding behind some other genes.

"In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?"
"How tall are you?"

What happened when one hundred hares got loose on Main Street?
The police had to comb the area.

Where do you send a shoe in the summer?
To boot camp.

What do you call someone with a big red nose and purple hair who takes a plane from New York to Alaska?
A passenger.

What do you call a father who takes a plane to the North pole?
A cold pop.

Why isn't an elephant allowed on the plane?
Because his trunk won't fit under the seat.

How do you get a mouse to fly?
By it an airline ticket.

How do dogs travel?
By mutt-a-cycle.

Who’s there?
Fairbanks who?
Fairbanks pay interest.

Who’s there?
Faith who?
Faith looks familiar.

Who’s there?
Fantasy who?
Fantasy a movie last night.

Who’s there?
Wren who?
"Wren you wish upon a star."

What should you say to a grumpy firefly?
"Lighten up!"

What do mice wear when they shoot hoops?
Basketball squeakers.

Why do snakes ask for spoons?
Their tongues are already forked.

What do scorpions put on their hot dogs?

How do you know when there's a dinosaur under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

Where does Dr. Jekyll go to get some privacy?
To his Hyde-away.

FLIP: Have you heard the joke about the witch’s broom?
FLOP: No, I haven’t.
FLIP: That’s strange. It’s sweeping the nation.

FIRST WITCH: I had to drop out of witch school.
SECOND WITCH: What happened?
FIRST WITCH: I flunked spelling.

If the stork brings human babies, who brings the giant babies?

Did Dr. Frankenstein amuse his monster?
Yes, he kept him in stitches.

Tongue Twisters
Larry sent the latter a letter later.

Lester lists the lesser lesson last.

Lesser leather never weathered lesser wetter weather.

3x fast
Literally literary.

Lemon-lime liniment.

Little licorice lollipops. 

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